Punishment, Discipline & the Fear of Being Wrong
We all want to know the parameters of the world we live in.
Whether it’s budgeting based on income and expenses, following speed limits, understanding rules and protocols, or just knowing where the guardrails are—it’s human nature to want structure.
But when that structure comes in the form of punishment instead of discipline, we don’t learn the rules—we learn how to avoid getting caught.
"Punishment is about making a child pay for their mistakes. Discipline is about teaching them how to do better next time."
What Are We Actually Teaching?
If a child is grounded or spanked for every mistake, they don’t learn responsibility—they learn fear. They learn to seek attention, even in negative ways. They learn that what matters isn’t doing the right thing, but avoiding the wrong people at the wrong time. And, since all of us were children at some point, the relevance to our daily lives is universal.
A child punished for forgetting to make their bed doesn’t magically become tidy—they become anxious and uncertain. They start thinking:
🔹 Did I get away with it this time?
🔹 Am I only in trouble because I got caught?
🔹 Why does this even matter?
And what is punishment if not an outsized reaction to an everyday issue?
Should missing a deadline mean losing your entire job? Should going 1/10th of a mile over the speed limit mean you lose your car for a year? No. Because punishment rarely matches the “crime.”
And yet, this is exactly how we train people to think.
We’re shaping brains to value avoidance over accountability.
But what if we didn’t?
Shame Isn’t a Teaching Tool
Punishment focuses on making people feel bad about themselves. But the reality is, it’s not our mistakes that define us—it’s how we own them.
Should a child miss Thanksgiving dinner because of a bad grade? If they struggle with math, should they be teased, called out, or humiliated?
We know there are better ways.
And this doesn’t just apply to parenting—it applies to everything, including social media.
The Social Media Punishment Cycle
Look at how we behave online. We are far more likely to scold, correct, and reprimand than we are to affirm, acknowledge, or uplift. It’s why Facebook prioritized posts with angry reactions, and look where we are now.
Social media gave us the perfect opportunity to engage in positive reinforcement—to shift away from bullying, controlling, and tone policing. Instead, we’ve trained each other to be ashamed of liking things too loudly, lest someone come along to tear us down.
We are terrified of being wrong.
We are exhausted by the thought of being perceived as wrong.
And yet, I have news for you:
🚨 You’ve been wrong a bunch of times in your life.
🚨 You will be wrong again.
🚨 That’s good. That’s how we grow.
Rewriting the Script
Instead of being so afraid of getting called out, let’s embrace the challenge.
Instead of nitpicking, let’s acknowledge effort.
The online world doesn’t have to be an abyss of negativity. It only feels that way because we’re primed to expect backlash instead of support.
We hold back way more often than we speak up. And that needs to change.
Today's Assignment: Try This Instead
✅ Challenge yourself to leave three affirming comments today.
It can be as simple as: "I see you." "That makes sense." "Great point."
✅ Next time you feel the urge to correct someone, pause.
Ask yourself: Do I want to educate, or do I just want to be right?
✅ Reflect on how punishment shaped your own views.
Do you hesitate to speak up because of old fears? What guardrails did you learn—useful or not?
The world needs more encouragement. Let’s be the ones to provide it.
AK